2003-04-15 - 2:25 p.m.

so much space in this world. so much space between us. do we fill it with projection? shall we insulate ourselves with the familiar? is it easier than being open, or far more complicated?

who was your mother? call her image to mind right now. is she loving, scary, humble, beautiful, timid, welcoming? do you picture her at her current age or at the age she would have been when you were five years old?

who was your father? did he have time for you? are you close to him now? can you imagine the sound of his voice? is he beautiful in your memory, or remote, or challenging?

are we doomed to treat our loved ones the same way? sometimes i wonder if all the therapy in the world can wrench us from our earliest traumas. can we refrain from recreating our early environments in adult relationships? and will we have the energy to unravel those entanglements once we realise they are tripping us up?

and what about you, perfect stranger, reading my diary? who do you imagine i am? and why?