2003-04-11 - 4:31 p.m.

possibly the worst day of my life so far. i draw tarot cards for myself and every one comes up The Hanged Man. i can't move. i can't get out of bed. he left only five hours ago.

well, that's not quite true, i'm out of bed and at my desk and on the internet. i have the radio on for company but i'm not really listening to NPR. the cadences of the newsreaders' voices are comforting the way a sitcom playing downstairs comforted me when i was a kid. its raining outside. i haven't eaten a thing all day. i feel like sleeping but i'm not that tired. just a deep soul ache that feels like eternal exhaustion.

i'm deeply conflicted. i have never loved anyone as much as i do him. i've also never been hurt so deeply. i don't even know what i want anymore. i don't have the strength to want anything at all.