2007-12-18 - 8:02 a.m.

a jumped me into the screening party, and as soon as i heard that there was a drawing i knew i'd win something. as we worked our way past the paparazzi gauntlet, the 'rules' were explained to us by someone's grandmother in ugg boots: if one found a sticker under the breadplate, the reward was a hamburger phone. if one found a sticker under the salad or ravioli plate, the reward was a $50,000 pink-gold-and-diamond ring.

a and i settled into the ridiculously uncomfortable seats at the four seasons. i surveyed the scene with my camera: strictly a D-list crowd, thick with journalists. a target-poor environment even for new york city. not that i'm complaining! i really liked the movie and i was about to consume a couple of hours of fine wine and food completely gratis. well, in exchange for a few snapshots anyway. when everyone got settled it turned out that we were seated directly across from an actress with a small role on a very popular sitcom.

the actress was as highstrung as a thoroughbred and as fussy as a princess with legumes under her posturpedic. she threw a very polite fit when she discovered that there was a hint of cheese in our ravioli appetizer course. the maitre'd was oddly slow to change her plate out for a salad, but it turns out that her plate was the one with the blue sticker underneath. yes, that's right, in a room full of inkstained wretches, the nineteen-year-old sitcom actress won the diamond ring. if that sounds bitter i don't mean for it to. i won a hamburger phone, which is somewhat less valuable but i wanted it a lot more.

the actress is fantastically beautiful in person. at first she annoyed me with her fussiness, but after a while i just felt sad for her. she could barely utter a word without glancing at her publicist for approval. she didn't have any wine. we all ate some of the most delicious lambchops i've ever tasted, and she was served a vegetarian entree she couldn't pronounce or identify. she and her minder lit out before the delightful chocolate souffle dessert course was served.

when they left b moved down from his perch at the end of the table. he has a popular gossip column i almost never read, but he still charmed the pants off me. i drank all the wine that remained on the table. when i woke up i had bronchitis.