2003-02-20 - 8:48 p.m.

i got super freaked out last night coming home from my brother's house. i noticed everyone on 6th ave was a little jumpy.

i got sidewalk-trapped behind a large group of college boys. they were trying to avoid the many puddles and water hazards. i lost patience with them at the corner of bleecker, and promptly stepped into an ankle-deep puddle that was disguised by ice, soaking both my feet to the skin. which made me realise i was a little jumpy too.

i went down into the subway at west 4th st and there were many young soldiers with very big guns manning the station. i don't know the names of any guns, but they were huge, scary assault rifles. it is the first time i have seen big guns in civilian space since the disaster of 9/11/01. the 'e' train announced that trains were express above 59th street due to a police action.

i changed trains at 14th st and more soldiers were loitering around that station. their guns looked like toys, probably because they themselves looked so young; nineteen, twenty. i gawked a little. a swarm of cops was on the platform. i skirted past them, hoping for some reason they wouldn't notice me.

i don't trust cops. i'm not sure why. i know that they are generally working a very hard job. in fact, i love policiers and crime novels. but in real life, i avoid cops like the plague. maybe because the fascist cops in san clemente made it their job to hassle teens? maybe because the cops i encountered in LA were total thugs? anyway, the nyc cops are generally too busy to bust white people who aren't being disruptive. but they still make me uneasy. especially in large groups.

even the 'l' train upchucked every passenger at bedford ave. it wasn't clear why. construction? police action? they usually save non-emergency repairs for the weekend. the passengers i followed out into the slush were jittery. we all slipped in the ice because we weren't paying enough attention.

i don't know what its like in the rest of the country, but the shit is getting very tense here in nyc. a chemical plant in staten island blew up this morning and everyone is freaking out even more.