2004-07-19 - 2:00 p.m.

so the whole episode with my ex last week sent me into a bit of an emotional tailspin. in my case, that often includes self-destructive behaviors. last week it was primarily lots of late night drinking and a half million cigarettes. by thursday i could tell i was on the brink. i'd been seriously hung over for seventy two hours and was more or less constantly on the verge of tears. d came downstairs to cheer me up. due to medical issues, she's given up drinking and smoking. we spent some time thursday evening sitting in the garden at therapy, soaking up a beautiful late summer evening and sipping rose petal elixir. i pledged to give up the cancer sticks in solidarity with her.

so i decided i would be better off doing yoga than hard alcohol. jbrown's vinyasa class provided enough of a challenge without too much pain. by saturday afternoon i could feel my head clearing and my heart calming. i even phoned my ex for a relatively friendly check-in call. some tiny amount of closure seemed to take place.

i gussied myself up to meet j at east river and we planned to do a little partycrashing. after a round of gin and tonics, we crashed them but neither scene was really happening, and we ended up back at the east river, where the bartender likes us and i think he's grateful to have some female energy in there. a few too many free drinks were served, and j and her roommate were telling me that the bartender actually likes me. i sort of thought he was just flirting with me the way service industry employees are bound to do. s chimed in that he personally vouches for the bartender, that he is an upstanding individual. i took another look at him and decided that he has gorgeous lips and long eyelashes and was worth a try. i slipped him the following note:

dear ___,

i think you are cute. i live nearby. come over when you get off work and let's make out on my couch.

at around five in the morning, he joined me at my home and we necked for three or four hours. and i still made it to the sunday afternoon yoga session. by sunday evening, i was smiling so frequently that my smile muscles became sore.