2004-06-22 - 6:03 p.m.

c rousted b and i from our comfy twin beds at 7a so we could enjoy a hearty homecooked breakfast and get to dollywood by the time the park opened. c's dad served crispy bacon and scrambled eggs and coffee spiked with amaretto. we covered one another in sunscreen, put on sensible shoes, and piled in the minivan.

we bought trucker hats with dollywood embroidery first thing in the gate. we had arrived early enough to avoid both the crowds and the hottest part of the day. we rode the two large roller coasters multiple times because so few people were in line. on the wooden roller coaster, we were asked to step aside for a woman and two children who had come up the disabled entrance. we gladly let them ahead of us, but the woman was so obese that she could not secure herself to the rollercoaster using the restraints provided. the children accompanying her were also extremely overweight, but managed to strap themselves in. i encountered many people over the course of the day too obese to walk confortably. it made me very sad.

c and m are newly minted dog owners and c insisted we view the 'extreme canine show'. i was mollified by homemade ice cream, but the dog show was not extreme at all, unless you count extremely lame. i bitched until they took me to the bumper cars afterwards. eventually, we were hungry enough to seek food.

c, m, and b wanted pulled pork sandwiches but i had already caught the tantalising scent of fried chicken. i got into the buffet line and skipped all the starchy side dishes and loaded up on crispy breasts and thighs. i went out on the patio to save a table for the rest of the group. all the food we ate in the park was pretty good, but the chicken in particular was outstanding. m joined me with his sandwich and we started to chow down. a park employee dressed in a holly-hobbie-like outfit appeared on the patio with a head-mounted microphone, a ridiculous rooster hat, and a basket of fried chicken wings. she chose a middle-aged man from the diners and coaxed him into a chicken dance in exchange for a chicken wing. she then told everyone in earshot that if we crowed like a rooster, she'd toss us a wing. i froze mid-bite when several people around me started shouting 'cock-a-doodle-do' and the woman started hucking chicken wings around the patio. m joined in the chorus and a chicken wing flew past my head onto our table.

we went on several more rides and visited many more gift shops. the water-slide ride was the best, where we sat in hollowed out foam logs that shot down giant, elaborate flumes. the worst was a 'pirates-of-the-carribean'-type animatronic ride with some of the saddest and most corpselike animatronics i've ever seen. country and bluegrass music was playing or being performed in every single corner of the park. unfortunately, no song seemed to be performed to its completion. i recognised the first third of every country song i've ever heard.

more dollywood to come! photos on my fotolog