2003-05-23 - 8:37 p.m.

inspired by VICE magazine, i'm compiling my very own list of things i call bullshit on.

i call total bullshit on the current economic crisis. so near as i can tell, it was caused by some people artificially inflating the value of some things. then when those things turned out to not be so valuable, everybody just plain freaked the f*ck out and started firing other people. and i'm pretty sure the people who lost their jobs weren't the ones artificially inflating markets. i think the whole crisis is a scam to make us scared and desperate. if we're desperate enough, we may even vote republican. if it can happen to my parents, it can happen to you. and they are public school teachers.

i also call bullshit on the attack on hipsterism. even the goddamn new york times is getting in on the act. its arguable if i even qualify as a hipster, i'm technically too old; but i also am home during the day, read philosophy for fun, write a blog and live in williamsburg; so you do the math. if you're confused about what a hipster is, these jokers live down the street from me. at any rate, let's just assume for the sake of argument that i am a hipster. stop attacking us. you need us. who else resurrects trends that noone would dare touch with a ten-foot-pole, making your grandma's crocheted vests actually look high-toned? admit it: you've been deliberately distressing your jeans lately. who else but hipsters would wade through night after night of shitty cover bands to come up with a gem like trustfunders The Strokes or the painfully punk Yeah Yeah Yeahs? hint: it ain't Clear Channel. and where would the publishers of obscure frenchmen like deleuze and foucault be without unemployable liberal arts majors dropping their names at coffee shops from valencia street to bedford ave? so lay off. whole economies of college towns depend on this important socioeconomic stratum. plus, we know you're just jealous.

now that i've just defended hipsters, i call bullshit on fake authenticity, a hipster affectation that now appears to be going mainstream. it starts with me (or someone like me!) bragging to my friends that i liked The White Stripes *before* they broke big, and goes all the way to the 'all natural' label on the processed frozen dinner foods at my trendy health food store. its all crap, and in this crazy media-saturated matrix-like existence we all navigate today, its important to keep in mind what's real. you know what's real, its the shit that you'd like even if it wasn't cool. its fresh-squeezed OJ, not tropicana. its actually reading, and even enjoying, howard zinn instead of namechecking him at a house party after too many PBRs. real things take time, are sometimes hard, and are usually worth it. faking it devalues the real thing, if only just a little. so quit glutting the market.

i crave your hate mail, so don't hold back.