2004-12-19 - 6:25 p.m.

every once in a while, someone reads something on a blog that they ought not to have read. or makes assumptions based on miscues and halfhearted communications. often these errors in human judgement are romantic in nature.

i know that awkward situations like this have chased away several of my fellow bloggers. there's a weird tension inherent in airing your most private thoughts in the most public possible space. i think a lot of us have some sort of filtering mechanism: not blogging under our legal names, changing blogging services, having password-protected sites, or some other gatekeeper to keep out prying eyes. but it's the very communitarian nature of blogging that makes it worthwhile in the first place. i think that most of the people who read my blog are strangers or acquaintances. but that is not always the case.

i've always been a bit exhibitionistic about my online persona. it's not linked directly to my name but its not too hard to find either. i don't have anything to hide and besides, i like to brag.

let's face facts: i'm 34, single, never married, live alone, unemployed, and eking out an odd existence in a postindustrial wasteland. i'm a social creature by nature, but i spend lots of time consumed with self-doubt or agonising over my appearance. i'm prone to odd obsessive behavior and i get my heart broken on a fairly regular basis. i'm worried that i have my mother's hips, or that i won't be able to find a job. i'm worried that i'll never find true love again and that i fucked it up when i did have it. i'm worried that i don't have a plan and that i'll die alone.

my blog becomes part of the story i tell myself about myself. its all true but its the threaded glossy narrative version of the truth. romanticised often, and frequently garnished with a bit of self-aggrandisement. because who wants to read about the way i spend most nights: laying on my second hand couch smoking a jay and watching rented videos? and if i don't bother making a positive cohesive narrative of my life, who will?

my ex and i had a long, protracted and ugly breakup a year ago. he blogged (still does) and a part of the breakup story had to do with another blogger. their online romance seemed to me to be increasingly more real than our livein romance was. in the end, i think he really was getting more out of his relationship to her than his relationship to me. i don't really blame myself or him, people do shitty things to each other, especially when they live together. but it was really painful to realise i'd already been replaced. and to read about it online.

i started blogging originally to kindof get back at my ex. but now i like it for my own reasons. there really is a community here, of sorts, and i feel real affection for my fellow diarists. i've gotten lots of fan mail, made several friends, and most of all, spilled my guts. its almost as good as therapy, much cheaper, and its made me a better writer.

so thanks for reading.

and i'm sincerely sorry.