2004-07-13 - 7:27 a.m.

i ran into my exboyfriend yesterday on the way to my studio. until that moment, i had not laid eyes on him since i walked out of our apartment eight months ago.

i was walking to my studio, under the BQE overpass, and he walked right past me. i said his name and he realised it was me. he walked with me for a couple of blocks, we chatted amiably almost as if nothing had happened. he asked for my cellphone number, saying he'd lost his phone and didn't have it anymore. he said he missed me and thought about me a lot. we hugged and parted company. i went to my studio and started crying my eyes out. i called down my phone list until i got the superhero on the phone.

here is a partial list of the emotions i felt on seeing my ex yesterday:

1. relief, knowing i was going to run into him eventually i was glad to get it over with.

2. renewed rage at him for the seemingly casual way he trashed our four-year relationship.

3. intense grief at the lack of him in my current life. this last one i had convinced myself i was done with but it reared up and smacked me right in the face again.

4. resentment at him for number 3.

5. mild regret at the absolute and total way i cut him out of my life.

6. vulnerability which i am at a loss to put further into words, but which drove me to drink myself nearly into a stupor last night.

7. a very stubborn kind of love which engendered further resentment, but which i also know isn't really going anywhere.