2004-12-29 - 12:44 a.m.

i am sick. sicker than sick. too sick to sleep but too drowsy to be truly awake. can't get warm and can't cool off either. everything aches and itches and my head feels like someone tried to clean out my sinuses with steel wool. so weak that moving from my bed to the couch requires actual effort. even taking a deep breath is hard work. i'm so sick even cats are taking pity on me.

on xmas evening, j locked herself out of her house. she lives nearby and has my keys so she came over. she'd spent the previous coupla days in a sickbed, and i was in a blue mood, so we entertained ourselves by playing records until she fell asleep on my couch.

sometime later the next day, i felt the flu coming on. i thought the best way to head it off at the pass was to let the journalist buy me several rounds of macallan. it sounds crazy but it nearly worked. maybe if i hadn't spent so much time walking around in the snow after that i'd still have my health.

i've been taking care of x's cats while she visits her family. they have cable, and i don't have a tv, so i looked forward to the opportunity to watch football in private and catch up with any remaining episodes of 'law & order' i haven't already seen. i walked over to her place yesterday in a veil of wet snow and by the time i got there i was too weak to leave. i spent the next 24 hours lying on her bed with her cats, sipping theraflu and wondering what it feels like to die. i finally mustered the ability to walk the 16 blocks back to my house late this afternoon. of course, it had started snowing again.

it's really remarkable what a bad dose of the flu can do to a person. i've actually contemplated my own mortality several times in the past 24 hours. i know it sounds like a cliche when people say 'at least you have your health' but i'm seeing the wisdom of that statement. i've had to skip several activities i enjoy this week already.

in the meantime, i can't sleep and i'm almost out of theraflu and kleenex. i'm holding onto hope that the ibuprofren lasts the night.