2004-08-08 - 1:09 p.m.

its 10a on a sunday. i'm hungover and doing laundry because i have no clean clothes to wear. i'm in the front room of g and d's apartment and i so want to clean the kitchen but i'm afraid of waking them. last night's party was great but none of us slept until after 3a and i'm sure they need a little rest. there is at least a case of wine bottles souring on the kitchen counter.

last night was the first cocktail party they've thrown in their lovely new home. lots and lots of their friends came, i think there were about forty people here. everyone seemed to arrive in couples, even friends whom i know are not in a relationship came to the party *with* one other person who conspicuously fulfilled the role of the girl- or boyfriend. example: b showed up with L and they swear up and down that they are not a couple. yet when they came to borrow g's car this morning, b was still in last night's clothes and they joked about it with us.

it's kind of freeing to be unencumbered by a relationship, but it's lonely and weird too. this is my first trip to san francisco since i broke up with f. it's nice to not worry about calling home, wondering about what he's doing. last time i was here, he had started dating someone else. but being around all the loving couples takes its toll too, and i alternate between being glad to sleep alone and feeling the prickles of envy for those who have their beds warmed. even my confirmed bachelor friend j has connected with someone his age and started to clean up his rathole apartment. there was a fresh coat of purple paint on the walls of his TV room.

i kept having the same conversation with different people last night, and each person was telling me how many weddings s/he has been invited to this year. one girl is attending five in the next two months. g and d have six weddings to attend. t told us this morning he was just invited to his tenth.

on balance, it sucks being single in this couple-y world. was it always like this and i didn't notice because i was coupled? i want a new partner.