2004-05-27 - 12:04 p.m.

tuesday i carefully set the stage. i took out the trash, made some sweet tea, put away the lion costume, and changed the bedclothes. i went to a therapy session and by the time i returned z and i were both ready for the journey.

its amazing when it comes on. i did a lower dose this time and at first i felt like it would be too easy, not strong enough. but by the time i began to feel sick i was quite glad to have taken a little less. neither of us spoke during the woozy part of the trip. it felt a little less like death this time, but it was still intensely physical. visuals were also less intense: less like walls warping and breathing and more like wisps of white energy and contrails following everything.

once we started talking, we talked alot about our parents and our bodies. i recently hurt my foot and concluded through circuitous logic that my injury was the result of resentful and rebellious feelings towards my mom. i took a big black sharpie and wrote 'respect your mother' on the top of my injured foot.

z said his neck was tense and asked if i would give him a neck rub. i said i would, but i was too weak from hunger to really work the knots out. instead, we did some breathing exercises to get him to straighten his spine. the more we talked about posture and body the more sense it made to do some dancing. i put on cheb i sabbah's durga ragas and thought about the tiger goddess tattooed on my shoulder. z and i played a game where i threw energy at him across the room. i bowed to all four corners. it is perhaps the most integrated and comfortable in my body i have felt since i broke my wrist.

dervish dancing without eating made both of us weak. we managed to get back to iona for a cider, which was somewhat restorative. the psilocybin released its grip on both of our bodies very very slowly. once a little food could be consumed, we sat at the bar near the main drag and watched the pretty people walk by, letting our tired bodies lust after strangers.

i have never slept so soundly. yesterday i painted for 10 straight hours and finished a huge painting.