2004-03-03 - 10:19 a.m.

c called me as i got off the bus on monday afternoon. 'when can i see you?' purred his voice over my cellphone, 'what are you doing tonight?'.

'i can't tonight, i have chess club. i'll be home by 11 though'.

'sorry, darlin', i have to get up early. what are you doing tomorrow?'

'i can see you tomorrow.'

'i'll call you around noon. i can't wait to see you, i had the hottest dream about you.'

'i've been thinking about you a lot, too, c.'

i probably don't need to tell you that i played chess like someone with a frontal lobotomy that night. all i could think about was c. i sat down to play chess with j and he was alarmed at the weakness of my game. i told him i was weak-headed over a man and he began to chastise me.

'what are you doing here? go home and call him and tell him to come over.' j actually threw his game against me and walked me home.

j has a medical condition that makes it unlikely he will live to see old age. he began to tell me about recent traumatic experiences, one of which involved flatlining twice on valentine's day. he said 'the reason i'm telling you this is because i feel so strongly that if you want something, don't wait. you don't know what could happen. there is no time to waste.'

once in my own home, i realised i don't have c's phone number. i sent him an email with regret that i had not accepted his invitation. he sent his phone number in the morning. we traded brief conversations and instant messages throughout the day. when i was finished with my meetings and duties for the day, i called him and said 'come over'.

he must have run to my house because he was there in about half an hour. i wondered if it would be awkward or different to see him again but from the very first kiss he was as delicious as i remembered. we made out on the couch to bryan ferry and chatted over a glass of wine. i can hardly remember a time when the pull of physical attraction was so strong on me. i could not take my hands off of him. i didn't for the next three hours.