2003-03-27 - 7:09 p.m.

more stress and friction today. i felt so lost this morning. i got on the phone and called everyone i know until someone answered the phone. my friend j came by my studio and talked me through it.

i'm beginning to wonder if my business isn't just a way to keep me blocked. i mean, i came to new york to paint, and to 'be a painter'. but i ended up running this small business and its far more work than i bargained for and i've been very lukewarm on the project for most of its duration. is it time to cut my losses?

speaking to j about his painting practices was helpful. he's really focussed and it made me wonder whether that isn't what i'd rather be doing.

or am i just in a slash-and-burn kind of mood? i have trouble living with ambiguity, i sometimes decide just for the sake of deciding. my personal life is in a very nervous and tender place right now. its entirely possible that the whole world seems a little hopeless right now.

today i feel like: fuck it!